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Master this one thing to bring back the honeymoon phase

It’s probably one of the top three questions I get asked: “How do I jazz up a loveless romance?”

We’ve all felt the butterflies and the undeniable chemistry of a new love. You remember when you made the doves weep a little? And yet, you have ended up in a place where the level of sizzle is laughable.

Fret no more, my dear bliss enthusiast. The Bliss Doctor has both the cause and the solution to your love maladies. Actually, it’s far from complicated. There is one very simple reason why passion goes passé. It is called expectation.

Let me explain. When we first meet someone, we are attracted to their beauty and magnetism; we are curious about who they are and keen to go on the journey to discover them. Humans are just like landscapes: when we first meet them, we see a picture, and if we like what we see, we are enticed to jump into the scene and explore their mind, their emotions, and last but not least, their sexuality. Each and every one of us has a different and unique sexuality. It’s like a wonderful new country or culture we get to explore.

The purpose of intimacy, in one sense, is to allow someone to “enter you.” Our job is to determine if it’s safe to enter AND whether it’s safe to be vulnerable enough to let someone in. Let’s face it: it’s not always a good idea to wander without caution into a country or intimacy. On the flip side, our experiences from the past can paint the lens through which we “in-to-me-see” and project a fearful outlook.

Often, both people have a combination of hope and fear when they meet a person of interest. And let’s admit it: if we are even slightly interested in pursuing each other, we start the grand process of “negotiating”: How can you protect my heart from the inevitable hurt that is part of every relationship I have been through thus far? And what do I need to give you in exchange for it?

This negotiation of “steps to take” to protect each other most often happens in a silent conversation we have in our minds, although it is talked about in some form or another within the interaction. (Unless you are a “queen suppressor,” then you don’t talk about anything and keep everything bottled up. More articles coming up for you soon; we are going to tackle that, baby!)

These negotiations continue long after the relationship is in full swing. Some are talked about, some run in the background like a continuous tape without needing to be expressed. In either case, it inevitably goes on. Each person EXPECTS the other to do certain things that will make them feel safe about entering intimacy. In the start, we are naturally inclined to do what it takes to make each other feel safe. Dopamine helps. It’s the pleasure hormone and comes out to play more when there is “newness” and “novelty” involved. When the newness fades, so does the dopamine. That’s when the oxytocin, the love hormone, comes in handy.

Oxytocin is the love that brings sustainability, safety and, in my opinion, genuine intimacy. The intimacy of oxytocin, in my experience, is felt more in relationships that have a foundation of deep friendship. The kind that makes you feel you can trust your friend and love them in an open, balanced and long-lasting way.

So, here it is: the bliss medicine for diminishing passion.

Press the “reset” on expectation. Remember when you first met and you could not “presume” that they will do what you want them to do? Go back to that way of thinking. Enter at your own risk. There is something about risk-taking that we find incredibly sexy. But also, it’s taking responsibility for your own fears and trepidations. We make our partners carry the weight of our fears and then wonder why he/she shows up tired to bed.

The easiest way to “reset” expectation is to activate the friendship. Friendship is all about being there and supporting your friend no matter the circumstance. It’s about being there to listen and hear, and surrender to their needs as they do the same for you. For some reason we tend to do these things better within the framework of friendship than in the framework of a relationship. If you don’t have too many friends in your life right now, think back to a friend from your past. They hold the same keys.

Sorry, ladies, but I have to tell you this one. Girl, you gotta love your man! We are all guilty of this, but our directness and need to share and express our feelings can look more like bitching and complaining to the unsuspecting male creature. Unfortunately, I say this from experience ;-). Any form of negativity expressed re: the hot topic “sexuality” is the best way to hang a metaphorical “out of service” sign on their belt buckle. We’ve all tried that one so many times and it never helps. A different kind of experience tells me that a li’l bit of positivity works wonders in the love and the sex department.

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